The passing of Matthew Perry really affected me. As Chandler in Friends he was the character I most enjoyed. His defensive irrepressible humour and one liners remind me a lot of myself, although it wasn’t my dad that came out of the closet, it was me!
In response to his death I’ve been binge watching a lot of the TV series, Friends. I was never an uberfan when it was on, in fact, there are many episodes I’ve never seen. But, like most people, I’ve seen a lot of it, know all the characters and the basic trajectory of the plot!
Re-watching it came as a bit of a shock. While I wanted to revel in its familiarity, soak up the 90s vibe, feel in a safe bubble of time, what I actually felt alongside those things was horror at quite how racist, sexist, ableist and homophobic the writing actually was! Blatantly so.
Ableism
Joey’s possible learning difficulties are the butt of many jokes throughout all ten seasons. In almost every episode Joey is mocked for being ‘slow’ and not understanding things as quickly as the others, if at all. This reaches a peak in the one where Joey speaks French, when not only does he only utter total gibberish while learning French, but Phoebe then tells his casting director that he is her ‘retarded’ little brother and to take pity on him.
While this offensive language and infantilisation wouldn’t wash today, it shows how recently such terms were commonplace. Moreover, they have fed into a larger problematic ableist and exploitative culture for Disabled people where they are consistently othered and viewed only in terms of their ‘problematic’ bodies.
The UK’s recent annual Children In Need telethon relies on presenting Disabled children as objects of pity to raise huge funds for kids to access what should be a basic human right provided by the state! Compare the representation of Disabled people on Friends compared, for example, to a show like ‘Sex Education’ where Disabled voices have actually been incorporated into the writing process and the difference is immense. From one dimensional stereotype to real lived experience characters.
Gay & Trans Hate
The constant accusatory jibes about anything that might signify a man being gay and the repulsion that followed. Chandler’s transphobia towards his father, who the show presents as a gay drag artist but hints that, although never explicitly states, that she is a trans woman, is evident throughout the show. It culminates in the scenes before and at Chandler and Monica’s wedding when Chandler didn’t want to invite his father because he was embarrassed and his mother tells his father that she has ‘too much penis' for her dress.
It was also deemed fine for Phoebe to have explored her sexuality whilst simultaneously telling Joey to take off the ‘women’s’ underwear he tried on and repress his feelings about enjoying wearing them. As is often the case, ‘girl-on-girl action’ is often presented as titillating for the male gaze as is frequently played out between the six main characters.
Same sex women’s relationships where the male gaze is neither desirous, tittilating or welcome are denigrated and fair game for constant mockery. The lesbian couple Carol and Susan are used merely as a tick box exercise and for laughs as they are frequently on the receiving end of jokes, poor stereotypes - Ross said he should have known Carol was gay as she drank beer from the can, sigh - as well as Ross’ continued resentment. The show reeks of upholding a gender binary and heteronormativity in a way that seems utterly incomprehensible in 2023.
Sexism
Sexist views, toxic masculinity and misogyny abound throughout all ten seasons of the show. Joey’s rampant heterosexual sex life, sleeping with endless women and never remembering their names and even gaslighting one of them. The endless ogling and objectifying of women from all three male characters including by Ross to his own cousin who goes to stay with him after feeling ogled by other men and wrongly assuming she will be safe with a blood relative. This objectification often includes very young women. The scene where Joey records a ‘How You Doin’ video message for baby Emma to play when she’s 18 is beyond inappropriate and signals the urgent need for the #metoo era.
Men are told not to be ‘pussies’, to ‘grow some’, Chandler is derided by Monica for enjoying the romcom ‘Miss Congeniality’, baths and shopping are seen as female pastimes. Chandler and Joey’s silly, damaging and immature reactions on seeing Carol breastfeed Ben. Ross’ sexist suspicion of the male nanny who applied to look after his daughter because he thinks there’s something wrong with a man being in a ‘girly’ profession and the assumption that he must be gay, or at the very least, bi! Ross’ sexism and toxic masculinity is also reflected in his attitude to his son, Ben, playing with Barbies and his adamance that he should be playing with action figures instead.
Ross’ behaviour throughout is controlling and often emotionally abusive. He tries to sabotage any relationships Rachel has, love bombs her, is violently jealous and tries to control her when she works with an attractive male colleague. On the flip side, when Phoebe discloses she has been sexually assaulted at work it is used as a vehicle in the Ross/Rachel storyline and little care is shown for Phoebe’s experience.
Racism
It’s fairly noticeable that all of the main characters in Friends are white and any Global Majority actors that are seen are not a regular part of the show. Phoebe with her ‘troubled’ past feels like using a white woman to play a ‘ghetto’ character which is offensive in all the ways - by associating Global Majority people with a ghetto life as well as being lazy and using a white woman to play out the stereotype.
But the most glaringly offensive scenes to watch are in The One In Barbados when Monica gets her hair braided into cornrows. This cultural appropriation of an African American hairstyle was made worse by the fact that Monica enjoys playing with her hair rather than showing any sensitivity to the origins of a hairstyle of a group of people she does not belong to. Her singing Bob Marley’s ‘No Woman No Cry’ while shaking her hair and donning a Rastafarian hat atop her appropriated style top off an excruciating episode.
Other Dubious Storylines
Friends also relies on various other dubious storylines. Jokes about personal appearance abound. ‘Ugly naked guy’, we are told, ‘used to be attractive before he got fat’. There is frequent fat shaming of Monica’s younger self including the use of a ‘fat suit’ to film those early years. This device is also used on Joey when they imagine his older self if he continues eating as he does. We also see Rachel’s relief when she thought Ross was dating a bald girl because that meant she was unattractive and no threat.
Then there’s the dodgy work relationships. Rachel only hires her assistant , Tag, because he is attractive, and she then engages in what can only be described as stalker-like behaviour, telling others he is gay to try and keep him for herself, rifling through his possessions and even smelling his clothes! Ross’ interview for a substantial stipend sees a love triangle play out that means Ross is asked only personal questions and told if he dumps his girlfriend, Charlie, he will get the grant. Again women are the pawns in men’s power plays.
Adoption
Adoption stereotypes are often extremely toxic through media portrayals but Friends really does it badly. There are many jokes made about taking babies or giving them back with no thought as to the devastating consequences of this. The typical ‘we’re doing a great thing for a child’ narrative is used again with no reflection on the reality of adoption usually being based on the selfish desires of a childless couple. There’s the ridiculous wait time, the discussion when they realise the birth mother is delivering twins about whether they want two or not (which is traumatising for me as a person who hasn’t been adopted to watch), the whole story shoehorns a happy ending for Monica and Chandler in with no concern for an accurate portrayal of adoption, especially from the point of view of the child.
Much like my foray into watching Gilmore Girls for the first time recently, which proved to have many similar lack of diversity issues, my Friends reminiscence proved that there is little real comfort in watching a show that both personally and culturally I have outgrown.
Armchair Activism
Simple Activism
Change your TV viewing habits! Check out some of these shows that are doing diversity well.
Step It Up A Notch
While I’m not keen on the word inclusion, which, taking the lead from Global Majority writers who often champion ‘belonging’ over inclusion, has had its day, the Inclusion List is a great place to look for movies that are really investing in diversity in all areas of film making.
Serious Activism
Want to know more about the reality of adoption for those who experience it?
Read The Primal Wound - “The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child is a book by American author Nancy Verrier published in 1993. The book posits that there is a "primal wound" that develops when a mother and child are separated by adoption shortly after childbirth”.
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Spot on. I’m alarmed when told that young people all over the world today are streaming Friends and “relating to it”. The whole thing is structured around normative whiteness and homosexual panic (Chandler’s still pretty funny though)
Agreed. Grateful my kids think it’s dated and unfunny!! Although yes I still chortle at a Chandler gag!!